Tips to Resolve Conflict in Key Corporate Relationships
by Mario Alonso, Ph.D.

Differences of opinion are not bad. They keep our thinking sharp. They can lead to innovation and progress. However, when the differences are extreme, they can also paralyze relationships, companies, even governments. Can you say “grid-lock”?

·  Larry is a freewheeling, entrepreneurial founder and CEO of a company that incubates and delivers a winning product. His strength is sales and he generates them at record pace. Along the way he hires John, a methodical, organized engineer who, as COO, maintains a high quality manufacturing division that delivers on Larry’s promises to customers.

Fifteen years later, Larry wants to retire and have John succeed him. The problem is Larry doesn’t like some of the VP’s John has promoted. He also thinks John micro-manages and begins to have doubts about him as a CEO. They constantly argue, privately and publicly. Employees see their rift as dividing the company. People are being forced to take sides. Some key managers leave the company in frustration. Revenues begin to drop along with profit margins.

·  A project manager in charge of a potential blockbuster pharmaceutical product constantly alienates his direct reports. They side with the number 2 man, a key scientist on the team. Again, two key people fight openly. Tension drives employees away. Deadlines are postponed. Upper management finally begins to investigate the situation.

·  Michael and Mary have two boys, 12 and 9. They constantly disagree about discipline issues. Michael makes rules and demands accountability. Mary disagrees and starts undermining dad’s decisions. One of the sons plays one parent against the other. The tension increases and if unchecked, can even emotionally bankrupt the family union.

What do the above stories have in common? They involve destructive conflict between two key figures that lead an organization. The end result of such conflict is lack of direction and fragmentation. This leads to confusion and fear in children, stress and under-performance in employee populations, and in all cases, disorganization. And yes, the bottom line is seriously affected.

The limitations of human communication make it extremely difficult for two people to share the identical perspective. I often illustrate this with couples I work with by pointing out how a coffee table in my office appears to have four legs to one person, whereas from where the other person sits, only three legs can be seen. The two parties can argue three versus four legs, based on different perspectives. How heated, destructive, or constructive the discussion becomes depends on how positive or negative, cooperative or combative, the relationship is. In paralyzing stalemates you need a third party to facilitate dialogue.

Marital therapy is not easy. Observing the limitations of communication can be very frustrating, especially when there are powerful emotions and so much at stake. Many therapists become overwhelmed by the feelings of hopelessness and avoid seeing couples in their practice. Some use the comforting structure of cookie cutter approaches and exercises that tone down the emotions and improve dialogue for the short-term. This is akin to one-shot workshops on teamwork that make people feel good for a while but where true, integrated learning is limited.

Conflict between key corporate figures is at its most intense in family businesses. Over 80% of US businesses and one third of the Fortune 500 are family controlled. However, only three out of ten family businesses survive into the second generation, and only one of ten into the third generation. To survive, a family business has to be a business first and a family second. However, it is extremely difficult to keep the family dynamics out of the business. Not only the business, but marriages, parent-child relationships, and the emotional life of siblings are at stake. Clinical skills are extremely necessary if a consultant is to navigate these undercurrents.

The first step is to learn as much as one can about the company, its vision, mission, and espoused values. We need to know the true, deep culture of the organization. This is discovered not through the company web site or its promotional materials but by interviewing employees and company historians.

It is important to conduct an initial half-day session to discuss the corporate culture and how working on the dysfunctional corporate dyad will help both the relationship and the organization as a whole. A typical proposal for action would then involve three half-day meetings scheduled one-month apart. These sessions are used to identify the problem, learn about it, and resolve it. There can be a half-day follow-up meeting 6 months later to insure positive changes are permanent.

The consultant must get to know the key individuals involved in the conflict. This can be done through interviews, 360-degree feedback, and even psychological tests. All this data yields insights into the powerful dynamics underlying the behaviors and communication styles being studied.

Key in the initial stages is the delivery of feedback. It is a delicate process that requires a special expertise, an awareness of the recipient’s sensitivity. It must be delivered in a constructive manner that arouses curiosity and includes strengths as well as areas that need work – in marital therapy the marriage is being placed on the hands of the therapist, in corporate work, the future of the business might be.

The consultant is responsible for managing a process that keeps the goal of each meeting in focus. The history of the relationship, its emotional aspects, the positive and negative impact of personality differences, are studied. The consultant, based on data from tests and observations, shares his/her ideas and reactions about the relationship dynamics. She or he gradually clarifies and illuminates new perspectives about the relationship. This understanding gives both parties a greater sense of control over their behavior – a choice as to how to act.

The ground rules of the process call for respect of each other’s feelings rather than attacking; accountability rather than blaming; and a call for curiosity about how the mind works.

The consultant works to change a state of absent or poor communication to one of effective dialogue. Mutual expectations are expressed. Which behaviors need to be increased, which decreased?

Action plans are developed to improve the working relationship. The consultant manages a process of negotiation where the two parties make a commitment to make behavioral changes to improve the relationship. Behavioral contracts are written. In some situations one or both parties may need some coaching or even counseling to effect those changes all agree are necessary for a successful outcome.

The six-month follow-up meeting reviews the progress made to resolve the problems that were identified. It also addresses any current problems reported. The focus is on how each party attempted to meet their end of the negotiated behavioral contract.

Choosing A Consultant

Who is the type of professional qualified to render these services?

In my estimation, we need to look for an individual with a portfolio of competencies that includes extensive clinical training and experience conducting couples therapy and organizational development expertise as an internal or external consultant. Personal experience in running a business is a plus.

Ask to meet for a free or low fee introductory session. Expect to pay for any travel expenses to this first meeting. The most important variable will be how comfortable the individuals involved are with the professional and you won’t know unless the three parties are in the same room. This is someone you will be trusting with your feelings and possibly your company.

Ask yourself and each other: Does she or he seem to facilitate open communication and dialogue or is he or she judgmental? Does the person seem to be neutral yet understanding of both parties initial presentation of the problems during the introductory session? Can the consultant see why each party feels the way they do? Does she or he seem to have enough business sophistication to understand why business is being affected by the relationship problems?

If there is one thing you must agree on is whether this seems to be the right consultant for the job.

Maybe the most important question you need to ask yourself is whether you are ready to work hard and tolerate the initial uncertainty that a process of change generates. How motivated are you? Ideally you are motivated by curiosity and by the belief that dialogue can lead to collaboration and a more effective organization. However, in some cases motivation generated by being told by a third party that the two of you must get along, may have to be the starting point.

Dr. Alonso is founder and CEO of Metropolitan Consultation Associates, a psychological consulting group formed in 1981. He is a member of the Society for Organizational Learning, the American Psychological Association, local chapters of the Society of Human Resource Management, and the American Society for Training and Development, and many other professional organizations. We welcome your comments.