Opposites Attract, Don't They?

Well, yes, they often do in the beginning of relationships. The newness is exciting. We feel good together and are so tolerant.

Woman: You know, he's different. He is quiet and mysterious. He's so playful and energetic It's stimulating. It's fun to see how much he enjoys his friends. I do wish he spent more time with me. It's ok, he can always change.

Man: I really don't know what to think. I'm very excited and it feels good. I'll just go with the flow.

As some years pass by, life and routine enters the picture.

Woman: He's changed, he's not the man I married. He's a total stranger. Don't know what he's thinking. So immature at times. What happened to him? I should have listened to my mother. It doesn't matter my children are my life now.

Man: She's not exciting anymore.

When the external environment, due to economic hardships or life events, becomes hostile, the overall home situation grows stressful and personality differences become more pronounced and less tolerated. Often there's little talking except to point out what you dislike about that stranger sitting across from you.

Woman: He is an uncaring brute. He never takes my feelings into account. Why should I try to make things better. He will never change. I must keep it all inside for the sake of the children. Time will pass but I will never forget.

Man: She's cold. Why should I try? She will never realize how tough it is out there in the jungle. I can get more understanding elsewhere.

If healthy communication ceases, the marriage eventually becomes emotionally bankrupt.

Woman: I can't believe he had an affair. It's finally over. I'll make him pay.

Man: I don't know if this is the right thing but I'm excited again in a new relationship and it feels good. I'll just go along with the flow.

Lawyer: just sign here and here.

Of course, not all marriages follow the script above. However, at least one in two do fail. Many of those that don't make it have the type of passive-distant-angry relationship portrayed here. The man is passive and has a low emotional IQ. The woman now hates what she loved about him. Only the kids are cute. She moves towards the kids and away from him. He sulks alone.

Emotionally hungry, many men in this position look for a supportive woman for the "mothering" they still need. Some women, consciously or unconsciously, deny the existence of "the other woman". Many women draw enough satisfaction from their role as "mother" to their children to tolerate a frustrating marital relationship. Many of these marriages survive until the children leave the nest for college or their own marriage. At that point, if the man has not left for another relationship, the woman may push him away, physically, and or emotionally. Men who are still in the home thinking that there would be improvement with the children gone, are shocked into harsh reality when asked to leave.

SOME CENTRAL DYNAMICS:

Love is blind: The "different, mysterious" young man becomes "a total stranger"; "playful and energetic" becomes "immature" and "always thinking of himself" (peter pan). The man's commitment of "I'll go with the flow" means "I'll think with my libido".

Some women base a relationship on the belief that they can change the man. This belief sadly becomes years later: "he will never change".

Beware: The arrival of children profoundly changes the marriage forever. My own belief is that for a marriage relationship to, not only survive, but grow, the marital couple must come first and parenting should be co-parenting.

When communication is replaced with generalization, there is trouble. If the words "never" and "always" are constantly and silently being used within your mind to describe your partner's behavior, it means you are not communicating, otherwise you would be hearing a voice saying: "what do you mean never?". A discussion of your perception would be taking place. Generating silent assumptions about each other's motives, in other words, mind-reading, is not communicating. Generalizations and assumptions lead to the decay of relationships. Silence makes the decay fester and speeds up the process of relationship death.

Bitterness and thoughts of revenge must be replaced with forgiveness and reparation. Reparation involves the perception of the other as "not all bad". The more we are able to hold on to positive aspects of the other person, the more difficult it is to just hate and the easier it becomes to forgive.

The most important words are "thank you" and "I am sorry". "Thank you" for trying so hard to really see and understand me and my viewpoint and to come closer towards me as a result; "thank you" for trying to do things that do not come easily for you but that we agree will improve the relationship. "I am sorry" if I misunderstood; "I am sorry" if I slipped up and I hurt you.

As a positive emotional base composed of positive interactions is built and maintained, hope is generated and begins to grow. Individual differences in the other are then not annoying and hateful, they are not just simply tolerated, but they are actually seen and experienced as complimenting our own individuality and making the marital relationship healthy and productive.

We are trained to fly complicated jets, to use complex technology, to understand scientific principles that explain the mysteries of the universe, yet no training occurs in the most supremely complicated business of understanding and dealing with each other in intimate relationships.

Mario Alonso, M.A., Ph.D., NCPsyA