Some Thoughts on Close Relationships and the Inadequacy of Language

Are we cursed with the limitations of the spoken word? Is it punishment for taking a bite of the forbidden apple from the Tree of Knowledge? Maybe it was the arrogance displayed with the Tower of Babel? Remember? Everyone spoke and no one understood. It led to pretty shoddy construction.

During the last few thousand years, we have had to rely on language to try to achieve effective communication. Given all the global turmoil, the use of words certainly has not succeeded in bringing about communication among people on a grand scale. Yet, no national or international agency is working on improving language itself as a means of communication. Think of it, the basic structure of the world's languages hasn't changed over centuries. Why not? We expect everything else to follow some line of progressive evolution. Why not language?

Language rarely allows us to fully understand the other. We can never occupy the same physical space, have all the same experiences, feel the exact same feelings as someone else. We cannot share the identical perspective. We can only come close, sometimes within a mile or so. That is part of the human condition. Language does not resolve it and sometimes makes it worse, especially in the case of intimate relationships requiring frequent communication.

Much of the problem is that the same set of facts appears different depending on the individual's perspective. I often illustrate this with couples I work with by pointing out how a coffee table in the room will appear to have four legs to one person, whereas from where the other person sits, only three legs can be seen. The two parties can argue three versus four legs, based on the different perspectives. A final agreement will depend on many variables including how persuasive, argumentative, stubborn, or understanding the people involved are. How heated, destructive, or constructive the discussion becomes depends on how positive or negative, cooperative or combative, the relationship is.

We primarily rely on language and words to try to share a perspective, to bridge the gap. We try to communicate (from the latin communicatus : to share) with words. However, words very often seem to fall short.

Emotion usually makes attempts at effective communication much worse. Our limbic system (feelings) and our cerebral cortex (intellect) are not in sync. Much like we can short-circuit an electrical instrument by letting the inner works come in contact with moisture, whenever we introduce emotions into the verbal exchange of information, we seem to gum up the works and dramatically increase the possibility of misunderstanding.

In the meantime, marriage therapists, mediators, pastors and ministers, and others try to improve communication and understanding in relationships. However, the tool they use remains language itself. It's like trying to dig a hole with a shovel made of dirt. In any case, it's a tough job but it's all we have until someone can come up with something else. (A number of family therapists have come up with various techniques such as "family sculpting", "psychodrama", or using video, however, these treatment modalities generate their own disadvantages, and language, sooner or later, still plays a major role.)

So, what do I have to offer? Well, I have no magic surgery or pill, only some observations that may be of help to some. Let's discuss the real bad stuff first.

There is one powerful emotion that destroys any effort at improving communication. It's akin to an unstoppable computer virus. It wrecks the hard drive. Everything crashes. That is what revenge does.

I can sometimes detect it immediately when a couple comes in. It's generally only one of the two people. The individual feels they have been unjustly wronged and that their inner core is imprisoned. They often blame the other for failing to reach their potential, as a parent, a professional, or a partner. They want harsh justice. A pound of flesh won't do, only the total eradication of the relationship.

I am not talking just about the strong resentment, found in many relationships, that builds up over the years and is not expressed and resolved. I am talking about something much more formidable and sinister.

Two emotions that often accompany revenge are self-righteousness and envy.

Self-righteousness involves espousing a belief in such a rigid, extreme way that it gives the individual a feeling of infallibility, nothing they do is wrong. In the political-religious arena we see it in terrorism, the Crusades, the Inquisition, or Nazism.

Envy entails seeing the partner as having something one doesn't have. Envy is not jealousy, which is a wish to have what someone else has. Envy is more destructive. It's "if I can't have it you won't either".

Revenge, self-righteousness, and envy are so powerful that I feel very pessimistic when I encounter them in my office. They have to be met head-on before any progress could take place.

Another barrier to effective communication is the very complicated phenomenon of transference. Transference is basically perceiving and treating the other as if they were someone else. This "someone else" is an important figure from our emotional past. So, if we were raised by an extremely critical parent whom we feared and had to hide from, we may, especially during times of stress, treat and respond to our partner as if they were that parent. We may be defensive during times when we may not have to be. We may misinterpret some of their actions. Of course, this can become pretty confusing for the other individual in the relationship who may complicate matters further through their own transference distortions.


Next, I'll discuss the good stuff. There are attitudes that empower language as an effective tool capable of establishing emotional connections and understanding between people. These attitudes increase the odds of our being understood and emotionally held. They help us deal with the restrictive limitations of words.

First, we need an attitude of curiosity about self and other. We need to be curious about our own emotional selves. Self-awareness can help us make our way through life. It cuts down the number of dumb decisions. However, it can be very hard to develop. Looking at ourselves in the mirror and in the eyes of the other requires courage.

We also need to be genuinely interested in understanding the other. When we have a clearer understanding of the other's behavior and feelings, we can be more patient. Such understanding generates respect for the other, which is felt and returned in kind.

Appreciation needs to be expressed whenever someone is trying to understand us. We also need to thank the other when they are trying to change themselves to make the relationship better. Gratitude encourages change and promotes a positive emotional climate.

We need to develop an attitude of ruth, the opposite of "ruthlessness". Ruth means being compassionate. It is sincere concern for the other when we hurt them, and hurt them we will since we tend to hurt others when we don't fully understand them. Love is actually being able to say "I'm sorry".

An attitude of tolerance and forgiveness is the opposite of revenge. As long as we can feel that the other is trying to understand us, forgiving becomes possible.

Reparation is also an important concept. When we hurt someone, some kind of healing process needs to take place. Punishment or revenge does not generate healing. Reparation does.

Reparation requires that the aggressor have a personal connection with the victim. The more is known and understood about the victim, the more of a connection. The aggressor has to, in a sense, feel the hurt he caused, to empathize. The victim may need to ask the aggressor to produce some constructive change. This is not punishment but healing. Thus, a wife may heal from a husband's affair when he, in addition to seeing and feeling the hurt he caused, gives up alcohol and significantly improves his relationship with his family.

Long term relationships such as marriage can be our salvation or our living hell. Marriage presents an opportunity to heal childhood wounds; to meet unmet emotional needs, such as the need for support, encouragement, acceptance, firmness, and many others. Marriage can be an opportunity to be helped and encouraged to change maladaptive ways that most of us can't change by ourselves.

Marriage becomes a living hell when it exists in a context that constantly makes us feel our unmet emotional needs. This leads to our feeling frustrated, not feeling whole, feeling something is missing.

My guess is that over 90% of marriages can't serve this emotional salvation I'm talking about unless much conscious work is devoted to developing the positive attitudes of curiosity, appreciation, ruth, tolerance and forgiveness. In the absence of this work many marriages become a living hell or an empty purgatory where both individuals deal with the suffering by passively waiting for the end or by avoiding each other.

Until the structure of language is radically changed or we come up with a more effective means of communicating (mental telepathy?), we can do much to improve communications. It is hard work, no doubt, but what isn't that is worthwhile?

Mario Alonso, M.A., Ph.D., NCPsyA