Working Children…Part II
Helping Your Child Find Fulfillment in His Work

In Working Children Part I, we looked at children’s daily lives in terms of their “work.” Besides obvious work of chores or school, we observed some of the hidden work of a child’s life – dealing with daycare, living up to their own and others’ expectations, carrying the burden of a family’s financial or emotional distress, etc.

When we examined the child’s workday in terms of the aspects of TIME, FINISHABILITY, SKILLS, BENEFITS, INTENSITY and FIT, we found a way to determine whether his workload is supportable or not. When it is not, we see the symptoms of work stress, just as we would in an adult.

Work stress is epidemic in this country, in both adults and children. Everywhere we look, we see symptoms that demonstrate that our “normal” day-to-day living may be costing us more than we have to give.

Let’s look at how we can help our children in their worklives. We start with the promise that work is a necessary and fulfilling aspect of human life – when it stays within the realm of our abilities. It can become a crushing burden when it exceeds our possibilities.

Since we learned in Part I how to recognize children’s work and evaluate it in terms of “do-ability,” now we need to learn to help our children be effective and fulfilled in their work.

The best work is work that which (1) draws on our particular skills and interests, (2) takes us on a path that seems reasonable and beneficial, (3) has a recognizable result that is within our capabilities, and (4) appears valuable to us.

Of course, not all work meets these criteria of “best” work. But, if there is too much work I our lives that does not, the physical, mental and emotional stress on us will be very high.

We can use the same six categories to help our children toward “do-able” and fulfilling work that we used to examine their workload.

TIME
The amount of time that a particular child can spend on one type of work depends on his age, his individual characteristics, and the nature of the work. Often when we think that our child “can’t do the work,” we find that he can’t do it on a certain time schedule, but may do very differently under a different schedule of when and how long a job is to take. We can follow general guidelines, but we will find out by trial and error when our child hits fatigue, which means stress.

The school curriculum offers a good example of time factors in work. In kindergarten, a particular subject may be dealt with for only 2- minutes at a time, whereas in college a class may be two hours long.

This does not mean that all work must be short in duration for young children. They may be able to sustain long jobs if they have short breaks. For example, a child who has great difficulty supporting an 8 hour daycare day may find it much easier if she can routinely count on a lunchtime visit or phone call from Mom or Dad.

The breaks do not even have to be “non-work;” they can be different work. We can see this easily in our own lives. Most of the time we would find it very tiring to tack another 5 hours of our career jobs onto the end of our day. We need the “break” of going home-though what we do when we get there is lots more work.

Sometimes our children have characteristics that require different time arrangements. For example, a child with Attention Deficit Disorder may need work done in very small chunks, while another child needs to work until the task is completed, finding interruptions to be stressful.

SKILLS
As parents, we must look at our children to objectively recognize and develop their skills. Our greatest joys and abilities will come from work which matches our skills, not necessarily the expectations of someone with different skills.

The cost of one hour of work at which we do poorly is much higher than the same time spent at work which we do well.

In the adult world, we may be paid by the job, not by what effort it took us. But, in our families, we have to look deeper. We must make sure that most of our children’s work requires skills they already possess. Challenges are special events which should occur less frequently and are used to help encourage further development of skills or recognition of new abilities. For example, co-operative sharing of work materials is a reasonable job request on a regular basis for a 7 year-old. It would, however, be beyond the daily capabilities of a 3 year-old. It could be suggested occasionally to the 3 year-old as a glimpse of future social interactions, but would be an impossible job as a daily expectation. We must also be aware that “work materials” for a 3 year-old include crayons, toys and Mom!

For a child, the wish for a skill often equals having the skill. Conversely, the wish not to have a skill may come equal to not having it. This may lead a child to make unreasonable job requests of himself because he doesn’t know that he lacks the necessary skills. When a negative outcome occurs, the child often can’t tell the difference between lack of potential and lack of maturation of that potential. This may lead the child to condemn himself and cut off willingness to explore whole new areas of work which could be available to him. For example, a 4 year-old whose mother agrees to let her help bake a cake may think that she should be able to do as well as Mom does. When she spills the flour and drops the egg, her conclusion may be “I will never be a good cook.” The very fulfilling work of being Mom’s junior baking partner may be closed off to her if she thinks the only job available is to be Mom’s equal partner.

FINISHABILITY
Jobs which are impossible to complete, yet which are presented as though we ought to be able to complete them, are devastating. Many of the jobs children are given, or they give themselves, are never-ending. We must week these energy-sappers out of our children’s lives.

Sometimes, the job really is finishable; the problem is only in the language used to describe it. For example, “Clean your room!” is as infinite a task for an 8 year-old as “Clean your house!” would be for an adult. The job of putting away stray items and dusting, however, is much more do-able for both.

At times, we intentionally give our children unfinishable tasks, when we ourselves are overwhelmed by unfinishable tasks. We may order them to make us feel good, or to be “the best.” These types of jobs are not do-able, though many adults and children have suffered greatly in trying to do them.

BENEFITS
This is a difficult area. Children are often expected to work without seeing the benefits of their labors. A straightened-up room or the sight of a child quietly occupied with his homework may be worth the crown jewels to a parent, but neither sight would look like much to a child.

To help our children find the benefit, which is the driving force behind almost all work, we have to be honest with ourselves and them. Why are they being asked to do this? Is it really a good idea to ask this of them? How can I explain it to them?

Sometimes, the answers may surprise us, and them. Sometimes, the benefits are smaller than the work is worth, sometimes larger. When it is smaller, we may have to “supplement” the benefits with reward. I often find that parents feel embarrassed when the main benefit for a requested task if that “It will make your mother happy, or more comfortable, or less rushed, etc.” This is a very important benefit and deserves great respect. Where we get into trouble is when we manufacture a false benefit to disguise a real one. For example, we may dangle the benefit before the child of “being regarded as a well-behaved, civilized person by the general public” on a shopping excursion, when the real benefit is “Mom’s gratitude for your cooperation, because he has a whopper headache.”

When we are honest about the benefit, and the child truly finds little value in it, we need to look into ourselves, our understanding of the child, and decide if it is necessary to invoke the negative benefits of not doing the work.

INTENSITY
Intensity is one of the key factors in work stress for children. As children’s energy levels, physical strength and emotional stability fluctuate greatly throughout the day, their work must stay in line with their condition. We all know the hopelessness quality of work being done on a school paper at 10:00 p.m. the night before it is due. We have seen that when a child is fatigues, there is nothing more for them to give.

This applies to all of their work. When the stakes are high, and the demands are great, the work cannot be supported for long. Spurts of great effort and effectiveness often occur, but 8 hours of daycare, or sharing territory with siblings, or being the top student or soccer player may lead to exhaustion.

We need to help keep the varying demands at workable levels of intensity. We may do this by helping them prioritize – “This would be best to take care of now; that can wait until tomorrow.” We may help by contributing our own efforts or suggesting teamwork –“We have to finish this tonight, but I’ll bet that if you do this part and I do that part, we can get done quicker.”

And we need to help them learn to say “No. It is probably possible to do all of those things today, but it will be so tiring that we are not going to.

Sometimes we may just plain have to run interference for them. “Your coach doesn’t know that you have been sick all week and have a lot to catch up on. I am going to call and tell him that you will not be at practice today. Then you will have more time to do your other work.”

FIT
The process of constantly reassessing ourselves and finding what fits and what doesn’t is a lifelong job. We help our children begin this process by learning as much as we can about them, and telling them what we have learned.

We can teach them that is something is very hard or painful, it may not be suited for us. On the other hand, we can teach them that difficulty does not equal impossibility, but benefits can be weighted against cost.

We can help them search for what work fits them, yet let them know that many things will be legitimately asked of them that don’t “feel good.”

We can encourage them to grow into their own shape, not just the mold that another person wants filled, though through cooperation and respect, any people’s needs can be met.

It seems then, that since the Garden of Eden closed its gates, work is a fact of life. But it is only one of the facts of life. We can teach our children about it and help them to do it, to benefit their lives and the lives of those around them.
                                                       Meg Alonso, M.A., V.M.D., NCPsyA